Just me

 

Me

 

I think this is umm (counts) 3rd blog I’ve started for Master on my submissive journey lol.  I always start then never stay consistent enough to continue.  So I’m hoping with these ADHD meds I’m on it will help me be more consistent.  I was going transfer my other blog entries to this blog, but decided not to.  Basically because I re read them and even though they were honest and from the heart, it was all love and mush etc and although its nice to hear from time to time, Master wants me to express my feelings.  My feelings of happiness, frustrations, struggles etc.  He says I have a tendency to present to Him that everything is great then find out I’ve been upset about something and didn’t come to Him about it.  And that impedes trust.  And I don’t want to impede His trust on how I’m feeling.  I know that when I disappoint Him, it hurts me and I cry.  I need Him to trust what i say.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes along my submissive journey but that’s how we learn to be better. Although those mistakes can be painful to learn.  He’s said He’s proud of me, and I can’t even begin to express how much that means to me.  I’ve come a long way in the time we’ve been together.  But I still have a long way to go.  I sent Him this like mega long IM the other morning lol, idk the words just kept flowing out.  And yea expressing how I feel is great, but if there are changes I need to make He needs to see them, not just hear about them.

There are times when I feel like I’m missing something in my submission, like I think I’m doing it right then realize I was doing it for me and not Him.  So I think I need to rethink how I approach Master with my questions and requests etc, to make it more about Him than me.  If I’m not doing something right, I want to know, I want to be corrected, I want to understand what I’m missing.  I don’t know maybe its just for me to figure out on my own, and if so I will.   I realize we’re slowly developing the new us, I had been holding on to the old us for quite sometime.  But a lot has changed, and I’ve learned to appreciate what I am given.  Whether its a kiss, or being tucked in.  I won’t try so hard, I’ll just be me.  And really I think that’s all He’s wanted.

Control

Control is the basic dynamic in a D/s relationship, the submissive giving up their control to their Dominant, and their Dominant taking responsibility for that control in a safe. responsible, and healthy manner. This may all go back to D/s 101, but at times its good to re-visit the basics.

There are so many misconceptions about control, the giving and taking. Some mainstream people see it as the giving of it, a sign of weakness or incapable for thinking for one selves. Some mainstream people see taking that control as being a form of abuse or just needing to be told what to do.  When in reality it’s none of those things.

Control and trust go hand in hand. From a personal standpoint that I will share; I’ve been going through some very deep personal *stuff*, I’ve been in a deep depression that varies from day to day, but with the holiday season it just got worse.  My Master knew it was going to be hard, and took control of some situations, He took care of me, and that’s how I saw His control, as loving, nurturing, yet allowing me my space that I needed to deal with my own feelings.  And that is healthy control.

Sometimes I think He waits for me to ask for certain things He knows I should be needing, but because I keep thinking I can deal with things myself I put some stuff off, one of those being setting up an appointment with a therapist/counselor. I’ve been *meaning* to set up an appointment, but haven’t, and today was told I should, so I will come Monday.

These are just a few examples of the control we have in our relationship, it obviously varies in different D/s relationships, but I think its good to share and read about how different D/s relationships work.  There’s a whole lot more I could write about control but this is what I’m choosing to share for now.

I love You Master xoxo me

The Act of Kneeling Before Your Dominant

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I love my Master with all my heart, my body, my soul.  Being here, home with Him has ignited a more intense need on my part to serve, for rules, to know my boundaries.  This isn’t about visiting for a short time, or having a crazy weekend, it’s about living real life, and as much as there are fantasies about how a D/s real life relationship should be, the truth is, that its just day to day living, with the ability to incorporate the D/s aspect in a subtle way or in an open way depending on the opportunity at hand.

This need I feel, is beautiful I think. The need to want to please, serve, help, be available, be pleasing, is just burning in me.  But at the same time, we all need our space, so I’m trying to figure out how to balance that as well, and something for me to bring up for discussion.  I need to work on verbalizing how I feel more, again lol.  It’s just that sometimes I feel so much I don’t know how to or when to bring things up.

I do my reflections in the morning, and I’ve been reading my submissive’s prayer from the last post, and that really helps me gain focus.  I kneel during my reflections and this morning my focus after the prayer was on the act of kneeling.  Master and I are equals as people, human beings, but I’ve chosen to submit to Him, to give Him my submission, my self, and in making that choice I kneel before Him.  Kneeling demonstrates my submission, it demonstrates that even though we both know we are equals in one realm, we are not in another.  It demonstrates, strength, humility, devotion, and just simple contentment being at His feet.  It also shows Him, my respect as my Master, my Dominant, all done willingly.  I love the quote for the picture I posted above, because it does gain His attention, in a positive and respectful way.  Submission is an ever learning process.

I picked this topic of kneeling because it’s an act that again when the opportunity arises, its how I want to show that aspect of my submission.  Sometimes there just aren’t words to convey my love and appreciation, and sometimes actions without words say the most…. I think anyways…

I love You Master xoxo ((me))

The Submissive’s Prayer & Other subby thoughts

submission in prayer

Today as I was cleaning my room, I found a copy of A Submissive’s Prayer that I had printed out a while back.  I read it and thought, this is a prayer I should memorize and say during my reflections in the morning.  I believe there is a certain spirituality in a D/s relationship.  Its how I feel when kneeling, its a visual symbol of my submission, my devotion and love.  There are times when I just can’t put feelings into words, where I just feel the strength of us by holding His hand, just a brief kiss, as examples.

(I love this picture I posted, she’s subtly naked, wrists bound, and hands together as in prayer. Just seems beautifully posed)

In reading The Submissive’s Prayer, the words call out to me, so this prayer, and I’ll ask if I can start tomorrow, will help to direct my focus.  My reflections are mainly to remind me as I kneel  to put Him first, and just get focused on my day, or my submission.  So adding this to my reflection time will be a good thing I think, because its not very long and will stay with me. The prayer is written below and the sentences in bold are the ones that I especially like and want to focus on. I hope that it helps other subs in reflecting on their submission as well 🙂


The Submissive’s Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can’t fathom.

Allow me the spirit to know His needs.

Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.

Allow me the love to show Him myself.

Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.

Allow me the light to show us the way.

Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.

Let me be able to show Him each day my love of service to Him.

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him.

Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.

Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.

Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.

Give me the strength to please us both.

Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.

For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make His life complete, as He makes mine.

I love You Master ((me))


Growth in My Submission, By Falling and Getting Back Up

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I just got back recently from a week’s vacation with Master, it was wonderful to spend a week with Him, away from the stressors of life. I’m a person that talks a lot lol, and I’ve noticed that when I’m with Him, I tend to be more quiet.  Its a content quiet, because He calms me, He makes me feel at peace, and really all I want is to just be with Him.  Don’t get me wrong we have many times when we talk up a storm, but and I could be wrong it just seems like we bring peace to one another.  We just seem to flow as one in a way.  We’re not perfect by any means, but we’ve spent 3 years together, which is a short time in a sense, but it just feels like its always been.  We’ve had our share of very rough times, together and separately, but as He once told me, the thought of me not being in His life doesn’t exist.  I’m not the same person I was 3 years ago, I’ve evolved, changed in better and stronger ways.


Me

My biggest challenge though is communication.  I assume a lot, I will acknowledge I did something wrong but then give excuses why, and then I seem to contradict myself, and become confusing lol.  I can write out my feelings with ease, writing gives me time to think.  When I verbalize feelings or explanations, I get flustered.  I need to learn to be more direct.  Communication goes both ways of course, but He’s my Master and He not I determines His responses to my questions or statements, or just randomness during the course of my day.  And I’m realizing that its my responsibility to state my needs, my expectations, to request new rules with reasons behind them, and not assume He’s just going to know.  I think its part of Him wanting to find myself.  I just need to learn to reach out more, be direct with statements or questions, I need to stop waiting for things to happen and be proactive and help pave the path for those things to happen. I know I will get there, its just frustrating when I know I’m not there yet, frustrating when I make mistakes, but that is how I grow personally and as His submissive. So I stumble, I mess up, makes mistakes, but I always shake off the dust, and try harder, because I never give up.

My confidence in myself has grown immensely, but I still don’t own me, if that makes sense. I still have doubts and insecurities, I mean we all do (I think lol). During this vacation I had like this anxiety attack/meltdown at a munch we attended (first one for all of us) and I felt a lot of people staring at me and it freaked me out lol.  We went outside, and He said they were staring because I was beautiful, and I need to own that, and be confident in who I am.  So I said, I’d go back in and act confident, and He said, don’t act it be it. He told me to focus on Him.  So I did, and just Him saying that to me, made me realize He’s proud I’m His.  He’s told me before, but that night it just shined through Him and He held my hand tightly and it was ok again.

No matter what we’ll always be ok, I know that. I love Him and I love the way we are together.  Being a submissive is hard, its a lot of self introspection, learning oneself, and its not something a lot of new subs understand, or mainstream society will ever get.  Being a Dominant is hard, they are responsible for this person that needs them so badly, for meeting their needs, for determining when a sub is ready to take things to another level.  They have to be patient to see changes happen, to see the actions of submission, its all about baby steps.  At least it is with us, nothing is ever rushed, because we know our relationship is long term, and there will be plenty of time ahead to take our TPE relationship to deeper and levels.  It just takes patience, love, and understanding of Him and me, and me and Him.  Because we are constantly learning, experimenting, experiencing one another, and that is the beauty of our D/s relationship, we are complete.

These are my early morning thoughts….

I love You Master *kiss  ((me))

Happy Kinky New Year!

When I first started this blog I wanted it to be a culmination of not just my and my relationship with Master, but the wholeness of me as a person.  Thus why there are other topics that are not BDSM related, because it portrays the *me* that Master knows.  As 2015 starts I will be adding more BDSM topics, essays and so forth.  Its easy to stay within one’s comfort zone, but I feel that I’m ready to expand my tastes and interests in the lifestyle, by educating myself on what’s out there.  There are a ton of BDSM resources, one of them being FetLife, that I haven’t used much of. Exploration of oneself, one’s submission is a personal responsibility.  For the longest time, I kept waiting for Master to tell me what I wanted and needed. Or I looked to other relationships and compared and thought my D/s relationship should be like that.

On both counts I was wrong.  I mean there may be Dom’s out there that do that and that’s totally fine.  But in the relationship, I have with Master, its important to Him for me to have a voice in my experiences.  For me to look at what He and I have, and not compare it to others.  To go to Him and say, I’m curious about experiencing this or that, and explain why, normally He’ll say “we’ll see” lol, meaning He’ll think and decide if its something I’m ready for.  I’m not very good at expressing my needs, I mean I’ve gotten a lot better, but  I think I get shy (which is dumb lol), but He’s patient and sits back and waits for me to want, to ask to go to another level in our relationship.  So I told Him the other day, that when certain things in my life get settled, I wanted Him and I to talk about Him having more control over me, more control than is capable at this moment, and He said Absolutely.

Whenever I give up control over a certain area in my life, it makes me feel safe, makes me feel loved and taken care of.  For Him the control is the aphrodisiac. For me the control is also an aphrodisiac, it just deepens trust, and deepens love.  I love what we have.  I’m looking forward to discovering more about myself my likes dislikes etc, ways to better please Master, and provide for His needs as best as I am able.

So I hope 2015 brings love happiness and kink hehe to everyone’s lives!!  Oh! I finally updated my Flickr widget, so please check out the erotic photography I’ve collected!

I love You Master xoxo ((me))

Subby Thoughts While Sitting In Taffic

So I’m on my way back to my office sitting in bumper to bumper traffic because of one stoplight flashing red. So how better to spend my time than blogging out my frustrations  till I get to that flashing red light that seems an eternity away lol.

I drive a lot at times for work and so I think a lot and my thoughts always turn to Master. I replay all the times we’ve shared. It makes me smile and reminds me of how good He is to me and of how much I have to look forward to very soon, but as He says not soon enough (slowly approaching those mean red flashing lights lol).
Well I better end this for now 4 cars ahead of me and I’m starving and late for our work potluck.

I love You Master xo ((me))

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